"Have you ever like, you are struck by sudden feeling, a feeling that you can’t elaborate with words. It just came, and very random, maybe because you are thinking about something but too embarassed to admit it, and suddenly tears just fall from your eyes? You just wanna say that you are very lonely, and tired of rejections, but it is also not true because you like loneliness, it is your best buddy and rejection is not as bad company. But you just feel sad out of nowhere, and then you wipe your eyes and smile. Because at the same time you feel that it is also beautiful. The loneliness, the incapablity, the sadness, they are very beautiful. Have you ever felt like that?"

Monday, November 6, 2017

Melancholia

It has been long time since the last time I took time for myself and did nothing but sat down and thinking about stuff or nothingness or felt about something or nothing in the same time. 
Since I came to U.K., everyday is different. There is always particular thing that I did. And alongside finding a new side of myself, I'm also losing a lot of sides which I hold dear for a very long time. Today a little piece of that came back. After buying ticket to go back to Norwich I just sat outside the King Cross train station on the very cold sunny day, maybe last sunny autumn day this year, I believe it was 6 degree. The sun fell onto my face and everything and I talked to myself that I got myself back together. I didn't recall whether or not I was smiling, but my true self is not a smiler that much. I just sat there and eating the melancholia of my own, things that people wouldn't understand (and I will not explain), until a girl came to me and asked for a lighter and I was taken aback. I said i don't have it, but then I told her to wait, I checked my bag and surprisingly found one. I gave the lighter to her. I remember how I used to be a smoker, and even I've quit still I bring the lighter with me, I don't know why. I think that's beautiful when someone ask a lighter from you.
I have been feeling that I'm not really myself recently. But today a little bit of me came back and I welcomed him. It's time.

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