Loneliness Pays



It was raining so hard last night. I was stuck in a durian hawker stall for an hour when I was strolling the area to get some dinner and didn’t realize I had walked too far. So I sat there, watching the durian for an hour. The smell was nice, foul for some people, but if you stay long enough, you couldn’t actually differentiate what’s smell what’s not. Anyway, the area got flooded, the water reached the mid of my calves. Exciting. The water’s not so dirty because the area was clean. It was getting late also, and the rain wouldn’t stop. So I decided to fuck it and walked back to my rent room. It would take 25 minutes. Boy, was it hard to walk in the water, especially with sandals. So I took off my sandals and carried them. The rain was still pouring, and I was wet as fish. I shuddered but laughing. Not long, things went very silent, and I sensed the urge to cry. Without holding back, I started to do it. Nobody would be able to see the water in my face, or considered my sob as no other than shivers. Plus, it was dark, and if people really saw me, they wouldn’t really care. Aren't all of us just strangers? Very often just nuisance to the other. So I walked and walked and walked with my feet slicing the water. I passed some motorbike riders, I told them, “no possible go that way, your machine would be drowning and dead.” they didn’t thank me, but they changed their route.
I finally managed to come back to the rental. I climbed to my room on the second floor, opened the door and sat down with water dripping from my clothes. I could hear the siren wailed from the highway nearby. I have tried so hard to keep the spark going on with my life, you know? I’ve tried some new things, like painting, rewinding old memories, rereading old emails, tried to chat person I care about, or even reaching out to friends once I knew. But they just didn’t do it.  I don’t know. I tried to write something new, but nothing really excites me anymore. Nothing in my life really excites me anymore. It’s like I’m losing my grip. Like running on empty. I don’t want to take my own life, but if it was taken, I wouldn’t care. Just take it, lah, whatever.