burning and drowning
Whenever entering the depressive days (that can turn into weeks) I always find it hard to get out of my bed. I'd spend hours curling on the corner, or on the floor next to my mattress in my 3x3 meter room, I'm just cocooning in it. I'd turn the lights off but turning the mosquito repellant on. If I should go, I don’t want it with their annoying buzzing cello-ish sound in my ears, my blood is not for them. I'd not eat, only when I got really sore in the tummy I'd do it. Probably the acid reflux. A loaf of bread, perhaps, a bite of biscuit. Days and night are losing their border with all the windows shut. Sometimes I wish I will never wake up. When I have something to drink, I'd have a sip or two, to help me to ease my way to my snoozefest. At times like that, it will feel extremely lonely, alone, deserted, ignored, and nothing in this world, myself, or what I do has meaning. I'm entering the matter-less notion. Staring into walls like it is a TV screen. I don’t know, but sorrow is like emanating their essence in my head and I want to die just to disappear. I don't have friends. My thoughts are at their peak of negativity. I want to stop talking I want to shut myself down. But there are also days where I would drink coffee in the wee hours, non-stop chewing gum, hula hooping at three a.m., blaring new and old music to my ears, doing lunges out of nowhere, rereading old emails, and wide awake for some days because I'm so turned on by the things I am doing. So much faith, so much positivity, so much joy and hope, so much zest, energy to finish something. Relentless. A project, a reading, some writing, a poem, doodling, a research perhaps, dialectical ingenuity, learning a new language, on porn. Goals and goals, and ambition. I am praising myself for trying, you are good enough you can do this, and laughing it up when things are not working, but who cares, I will try again, because no one sees it, because I am going to immerse myself into something until it all finish or until I know it is enough. Because I know I have it in me, and ones' tries to bring me down is invaluable in my world. There are days when I'm burning, but there are days when I'm drowning. Up ahead is my drowning days and it has started. I don't know what to say, but I wish you will understand.