human heart is such a dark forest
I suddenly remember a thing from two years ago when a guy came to me and said that he can't believe that a person like me is a writer. said it in a very condescending manner. I was taken aback and didn't know how to respond. It was clear to him that I didn't have the intellectual capacity he expects to be in a novelist. He'd bombarded me with socio-political stuff, world history, postcolonialism, tacky philosophical bullshit, and some theories you can use for your dissertation. I was so embarrassed and feeling inadequate as a person. I didn't actually need him to remind me of that, I have realized facts about myself. Yes, I'm not intelligent, I didn't have the education about that, and I'm also a bit slow. So for the past years, I have been retreated and questioned myself, is writing really for me? But of course, amidst doubting myself and in between wanting to quit doing it, I actually can't stop. And it makes me sad because it is the only thing that makes me happy but I know I am not good enough at doing it.
But this morning I feel like I want to defend myself from that person of two years ago, I mean I am not book smart, but I can actually tell a story. I'm curious about the human psyche, its motivations, I'm well aware of characterisation. I like daydreaming, I like world-building, I'm very careful with logic and plot holes, I will always try to understand and I listen to you when you talk (this is for research of course) I'm persistent, adamant. I'm very sensitive and I don't eat that much! Is that not enough to be a writer? What else should I be? Should I be talking about migration and how gimp the law is, with jargon that is only available in the urban dictionary? Would they be actually unconsciously depicted in my story without me having to explain it?
Isn't it the beauty of reading? That we find another meaning through a simple narration if we care enough to look closer?
I like doing it, isn't it enough reason? I'm so pissed at that person now but I'm equally mad at myself too. What I said, the human heart is such a dark forest! Even I got lost in my own.
I'm sorry for rambling I'm in my depressive days and I'm becoming defeatist, angry and negative
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