Mid October feeling.
I was in Vienna and staying at an award winning author's house where we were sharing a beer and I was being myself enjoying my seat. There was music and the light was dim.
He said, very seriously to my face: "How come, that you want to burn the world?" and he paused. "I saw you as a very free, very funny person, but how come you want to burn the world?"
So with my silly smile, I told him, "One can be funny and want to burn the world at the same time. It's not a problem."
All my life I was told to tolerate, to conform, to tone down whatever myself is. "Don't act like girl. Don't say your opinion. Don't write gay stories. Don't behave like that. Don't be too honest. Don't say that you like guys. Don't be too provocative. Don't! Just don't, this is the best for you."
And I had no power. So I had no choice.
"If you want to eat then you should work in this place, no matter how much your peers and boss bully you, you have to respect them, because they're older, in a higher position, have money. Here's the teacher and so you have to obey them, no matter how much that their teaching insult you. If you wanted to be accepted by a publisher, then you write what they like, what the readers would like, with the prose and structure that they prefer. You want to be accepted, you compromise and don't be too much of yourself. Let us show you the dominant narrative that you should follow. Here, this, and that."
All my life I'm being told to. People putting words in my mouth. That's all so I can just simply continue with basic life.
People who know me recently, know that I'm very hard-headed and don't like to comply.
And while I understand that I have been called many things. Today I understand everything that I am, all that you can see, is part of me being a queer person. That all I do, all my perspective in writing or in life itself, it's the manifestation of frustration of being oppressed.
I assume, with my limited point of view, people who have been given power since their birth, would never resonate with this. They would just think that how I am is simply my personality, and never to see it as an act of resistance. They would never understand what pain is, and what it causes to you. That's why I have and will always stand with anyone who has less power. So, my friends, I can be funny and want to burn the world at the same time. It's not a problem. If I'm going to die tomorrow, might as well I'm just being myself until tonight.